Rarely will you find a negative post from me. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining, or look at the world through rose colored glasses. This one is going to be a little bit different. This one is difficult to write, but I have to get it out of me because I believe this is what’s festering inside me and holding me down. So, release it I will.
This is our third deployment in our three year marriage. When we were getting ready for this one, I thought it was going to be no big deal- been there done that. I was thinking to myself, third time’s a charm, maybe I’ll thrive during this one. What’s six months? I can do that no problem. I had done it before, even with a newborn. I figured it’d be easy peasy. Boy, was I wrong. I sit here in the third month of this deployment and I find it harder than ever. I was hopeful at the beginning of this time that I would just go through the motions for six months and he would be home before I knew it. The first month, I can’t lie- that was easy, second month was a tad more taxing, but by the third month I am feeling the full effects of this separation from my husband. It’s not only me that I think about. I worry about the girls, too. I know Audrey is doing well being with her Mommy and Nick, but I know there’s a hole in her world, too. I worry about Ava being so young and not having Sev here for these formative months. Face time is a great tool to feel close to your loved ones, but it can also be a reminder of the physical space separating us. I know the girls are resilient, and Audrey is used to this type of life and Ava won’t even remember this, but it’s still hard to think of the girls without him. Its hard to think of him without his girls. I know it’s just as hard on him to not be here as it is to miss him. I know his life has holes in it, just like ours does. That’s what makes it even harder on me. I hate knowing the people I love are hurting.
This is my third month of silence in the house once Ava is in bed. My third month of seeing couples out walking hand in hand or sharing a secret inside joke and being without my other half. It feels like I’m walking around vulnerable and they can see my jealousy all over my face. My third month of being the third wheel to my friends that remember to invite me along to do things. My third month of sleeping alone in my giant bed with only Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Ross, and Chandler to lull me to sleep. My third month of waking up without a good morning kiss, or rushing around to get him ready for work. Ava and I get up and sit together in our house where two people’s presence is always missing. My third month of dealing with stuff for the house. We all know I’m not very handy or domestic so that’s always a challenge for me. Thank God for Sev’s best friend, Mike that comes running every time I have something wrong with the house…aka the water dripping from our attic. He never questions or acts like it’s a problem to come help me. He does it as if I was his sister needing him to come fix something. I would have been so screwed many times if not for him. My third month of endlessly parenting without a break. Not that I’m complaining- but a toddler 24/7 is enough to make someone crazy without reprieve. My third month of not having my best friend with me to simply watch tv with me at night, vent to if I need to, to tell exciting or funny things to. My third month of not knowing where or what he’s doing at any given time. My third month of not wanting to be a burden to anyone so I remain mainly silent because after all I chose this life. My third month of wishing I had some family around me to hold me up. I miss my sisters and my mom more than I can ever say. I stay silent and remain looking like I have it all together because most of the time it’s very hard for me to admit that I’m falling apart or I can’t handle something. There seems to be some type of stereotype that military wives put on themselves to handle anything and everything and make it appear easy. Well, I’m just going to tell it like it is. It isn’t easy, in fact, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
So instead of trying to make everything look perfect, I’ve decided to Embrace The Suck of it all and just be honest. No, it won’t last forever- actually we are on the downhill slope of this deployment. But while we’re here I might as well be transparent and not make it look like something it’s not. There are days that I feel like I’m walking on air, there are days that I don’t brush my hair or change out of his clothes. I’m finding out its all about balance. Part of balancing is accepting the bad with the good. So, I will let it burn and not lie about it. When someone asks me how I am, I will tell them I’m overwhelmed but still swimming. I’ll let the sweat, blood, and tears show. There’s no sense in pretending they aren’t there. So, now that I have gotten this off my chest and I feel about 1000 pounds lighter, I’ll leave you with this. Military life isn’t easy, it isn’t glamourous, but there isn’t anyone else on this planet that I’d rather be holding it down for. I just need someone to hold it down for me every now and then. So, if you love a military spouse- call them, text them, face time them. Just let them know you’re there. Because they are trying to be there for everyone else and they may need to lay that weight down- even if it is just for a few minutes.
Light and Love,