One giant thing that has changed in my world since becoming a mother, I am a stay at home mom. This is something that has taken a while for me to accept and be ok with. The last year and a half has been a constant struggle to still feel like an individual and be the domestic goddess (wink, wink) that I have found myself to be. There are many reasons why I have found this role so hard to be ok with. Some reasons come from my childhood, teenage years, and some from my very mixed up way of thinking. I feel like now that I have searched my soul and faced the reasons why, I can finally be at peace with it. I can accept my role of being the woman of the house, gracefully.
The first reason I’ve been scared to accept this role is the stigma that comes from being a stay at home mom. People sometimes look down on that- like that’s all you have to offer is to stay at home and take care of the house. It can make you feel like you’re not part of the real world, like you live in some fantasy land where the work force doesn’t exist for you. Other times, it can make you feel like you can’t hack it in the world, like hiding at home is what you do for a living. One thing I have realized, I worry way too much about what other people think of me. The world doesn’t know my story or my family circumstances that keep me as a stay at home mom for the time being. I value the opinions of strangers and devalue those closest to me. Many people in my family have commended what I am trying to accomplish with my family by staying home, they tell me there will be plenty of time to chose work later- and guess what, they’re right…
The second reason is because I had a stay at home mom for most of my childhood. I saw what happens to the woman when the man comes home and no longer wants to “play house”. I’ve always been afraid to let myself fall into the role of being completely financially dependent on my partner. I was taught as a kid from both of my mothers that you stay independent from your partner in that sense. My step-mom was a very career driven woman when I was younger, she worked her butt off and achieved a lot in her position, and I have always idolized her for that. Since I was 11, I wanted to be like her and always have goals for my career. Another reason that coinsides with this one, is that I still feel guilty for wanting material things, but not making any money to pay for them. I know that I contribute a lot to my house, but money isn’t one of those things I bring to the table- yet I still want new clothes, the hottest makeup, and more accessories and sparkly things than my jewelry box can hold. I don’t want my husband to feel pressure to provide for my spoiled needs and that’s where my guilt comes in. I know he loves giving me my material desires, in my heart I just feel like I shouldn’t want them- which is another subject entirely. I also have issues with materialism, I’ll cover that at another time because that will take an hour to talk about…
Lastly, teenage Carrie always said she would never not have a career for herself. I, myself, looked down upon women that stayed home. I saw them as people who gave up on themselves in order to raise a family. I have always known that I was a very intelligent person and it seemed to me like women who stayed at home either lacked motivation or smarts. I know now that way of thinking is a lie. Many intelligent women have made the choice to stay at home and be the backbone of the home for their family. They have incredible work experience, degrees, and references- they haven’t given it up, some are on hiatus and some have gone a different route. The point is, it’s a choice that they made. The reasons are nobodys to know, or to judge, or to look down their noses at. Love is the basis for staying home. Love for your kids, your partner, your community are good enough reasons to become a stay at home mom. Why not love yourself for having the courage to make your own decision?
One scene in “Sex and the City” always pops up into my head while I’m thinking about this matter. When Charlotte marries Trey she decides it’s time to stay at home and quit her job at the art gallery- being the independent woman she is by nature has a hard time dealing with the fact that she will be the only woman in her group of friends that is not working. Miranda being the lovely cynic that she is, doesn’t agree with her decision at all. It kills Charlotte to know that she is making a choice that she has worked her whole life against. She wants Miranda to get behind her choice, but Miranda throws it back at her and says “you get behind your choice”. Charlotte in a rage of hurt and indecision screams through tears ” I choose my choice.” That image has always stayed in my head.
So, now after searching my soul for the real reasons why I’ve been fighting this, and I have faced them- their power is gone. It no longer has any meaning in my life. I will eventually go back to work. I will have jobs I love, jobs I hate, and everything that comes with it. My life is not over, the two little girls I hang out with all day enrich my life more than sitting at a desk ever could. I can finally say deep in my heart “I CHOOSE MY CHOICE”.
Light and Love,