So, I’ve been on this new journey in my life for a little over eight months now. I have the world’s greatest daughter…She’s cute, smart, lively, jovial, sassy, and did I mention cute? But even though I have this little bit of perfection, I have been feeling for quite some time that something is not right. I have not felt like me, not even a trace of who I am. At first, I blamed it on the deployment- how could I be myself while being a “single parent”? My husband isn’t here to help me, I don’t get a break ever. Then he came home and my feelings didn’t change. I still feel the same way I did, even though he’s no longer overseas. He’s working 20 minutes away and I still feel as tired, overwhelmed, and sad as I did before. Then, I blamed it on not knowing how to be the “old me” and be a new mom. Why did I want to be the “old me”? That person had fled the day I had Ava. Why didn’t I want to be the person I am now? Why was I fighting so hard to be the person I was, why was I romanticizing it so much? I could never really pinpoint what it was that I lacked or what it was that I was feeling. Honestly, it has been a feeling of emptiness and/or hopelessness. It has taken me this long to realize that it’s not anything to do with anyone in my life- what they are or aren’t doing. It’s me. I’m the one who has changed. It’s taken me a long time to admit this but- I am suffering from post partum depression.
I am not admitting this openly on my blog to receive pity or anything like that. I don’t want it. I am openly admitting this in writing because it’s part of my story and I have finally had my A-Ha moment and I need to get it off my chest. This past week has really made me realize there’s something deeper going on here than just being tired. First thing, I’ll be completely honest- I have been hiding from social situations. Everyone knows, that is NOT like me at all. I have been hiding from friends, from my church, from family. I’ve just been laying low, really low. Some of the things that I enjoyed before aren’t as appealing as they used to be for me. Take church for example, it has become a big obligation instead of something that makes me feel awesome like it used to. I cant find the energy to get myself together to go do something that makes my life feel complete. That in and of itself is a huge problem.
The other thing that happened this past week was on the day we celebrated our anniversary. I just couldn’t be elated like I should have been. Dinner and a movie alone with my husband? I’ve been dying for this chance for eight months! I won’t go into details, but let’s just say my mind and attitude about life made it less than magical. That’s when I realized, I don’t do anything I enjoy. When I have the time or opportunity to be able to do something fun, I can’t let myself. This is not like me at all. So, today after hearing the news about Hayden Panettiere checking herself into a treatment facility for post partum depression- I decided to take a big long look inward. I haven’t been myself since I had Ava. I was suffering from feelings of sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. I wasn’t doing the things I loved anymore. Even going to the gym seemed like the worst chore in the whole world to me. I’ve been to TWO zumba classes in the past 8 months. What? I don’t blog, I don’t go outside unless I have to, I don’t make plans with anyone, I don’t smile as much or laugh, my self-esteem has plummeted to an all time low, nothing is how it used to me. Also, I have been having panic attacks like none other. I worry constantly about things I have no control over. I know I’m doing it. I recognize it- but all the same, I still let the feelings engulf me.
So, I want to say now- I’m giving up the fight. I have admitted it’s time to change, to seek help. I’m obviously not checking myself into a fancy schmancy treatment facility- I made a doctor’s appointment and that will be my first step. I will get over this period in my life. I will look back on this time as a time that I struggled but I over came. It just feels good to finally admit it to myself. It’s time for me to start feeling better. I want to re-claim my sparkle.
Light and Love,